Uganda

I can't believe I'll be on my way tomorrow!!!!!!

why we yawn...

here's an article that might be on to something.

Why we yawn

let go.

i always think it's interesting how you could hate a song, then suddenly it makes sense and you love it.

i woke up singing this song, the only one on the cd that i would skip, and it was actually the answer to a prayer that i said later in the day... don't you love it when that happens?

We must learn to see without our eyes
We must learn to hear without our ears
We must learn to feel without our hands
There is something greater

It’s the second alive, it’s the second alive,
It’s the second waking up

Let go, let go and come to life
Take a walk in the burning heart of God
We come alive when we lose our lives
Take a walk in the burning heart of God

Now the Spirit opens up your eyes
So let your heart come listen
Come and open up your hands
This God is greater

It’s the second alive, it’s the second alive,
It’s the second waking up

Let go, let go and come to life
Take a walk in the burning heart of God
We come alive when we lose our lives
Take a walk in the burning heart of God

I come alive every time that I let go
I cling to You as I walk into the unknown
And as I’m walking I am sure that I am not alone
Letting go, letting go

Let go, let go and come to life
Take a walk in the burning heart of God
We come alive when we lose our lives
Take a walk in the burning heart of God

--Charlie Hall, The Second Alive

phonoagnosia!

i'm the biggest nerd ever, but this article was really interesting.

http://bodyodd.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2008/11/18/1679578.aspx?GT1=43001

true beauty.

i just read this and i thought it was wonderful.

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed;
never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.
--Audrey Hepburn

HAHAHA

my dad was writing a letter today, as he turned to ask, "if you don't know who you're sending the letter to, can you start it by saying, 'dear lady or gentleman'?"

i laughed and said, "no, it would be better if you started it with 'to whom it may concern'."

in a confused voice, he said, "what?????"

"to whom it may concern" i said again.

as he typed it onto the screen, my mom was passing by, when she nearly died of laughter. she read the letter, which started with the phrase, "to home it may concern"!

yvette visits the dentist

once upon a time this morning, yvette went to see the oral surgeon in order to remove her painful wisdom teeth. on her way, she realized that there were 4 dentist office locations on the same street, and although she knew what the full name of the building was, she was unable to locate it. finally, she saw something! there was one office with writing ALL OVER IT. it took some deciphering and a few U-turns, but yvette was able to read the familiar title and go inside!

the inside of the dental office was a zoo. kids were everywhere, parents were letting them do whatever they wanted. it was loud and crazy. yvette wondered if it was too late to leave. her name was called. as she waited at the table for the dental assistant to charge for her "consultation", the dental assistant gave yvette some bad news. she told yvette that her insurance would not be covering the removal of her painful wisdom teeth, but after the consultation, she would discuss what yvette would have to pay after they were removed.

shortly thereafter, yvette was taken to a room, where another dental assistant helped her. this dental assistant was very nice, but she was about to go on her break, so she asked another dental assistant to come in. the new dental assistant, who i will call dental ass. for short, rightly earned her title (it is important to note that yvette does not enjoy nor promote the use of profanity, but the stress of the visit and the painful wisdom teeth were getting the best of her). dental ass. walked into the room, looked at yvette's x-ray, and concluded that there were three wisdom teeth that needed to be removed. yvette wondered how long it took dental ass. to figure out that obvious fact. dental ass. then informed yvette that the cost would be $950. "NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLARS?!?!?" yvette yelled in her head. she thought about it and decided to call her parents for advice on what to do.

the phone rang. yvette's mom answered. "mom," yvette said, "they said it would cost $950 to get my 3 wisdom teeth removed. the insurance won't pay. what should i do?"

"don't do anything! go get a second opinion somewhere else!" yvette's mom said.

ending the conversation in anger and pain from her horrid wisdom teeth, yvette was so upset that she almost began to cry, and she had every reason to. but she didn't, because her phone rang, and it was her mom again. "if you're in pain, get them removed. we'll figure things out" she said.

yvette told the dental ass. that since her left two teeth were the painful ones, she would like to get those removed in order to opt for a lower cost. the dental ass. quickly replied, "you mean your right two teeth" as rudely as she possibly could. she continued, "you only have one tooth on your left side."

"then how do you explain the extra tooth that's growing on my left side?" yvette replied, with wit and an undertone of snide.

"either you're wrong, or they labeled the x-ray wrong" the dental ass. replied, as though to make yvette feel stupid for being wrong. little did she know that she was the idiot who was about to be proven wrong.

the dental ass. finally had the ingenious idea to put the x-ray down and look inside yvette's mouth. lo and behold! she found two wisdom teeth on the left side. yvette was right. the dental ass. left the room and sent someone else in to give yvette the payment information. i guess dental ass. felt stupid for being so forward with her wrong diagnosis.

the receptionist was sent in her place, and she told yvette that the cost would be $700. yvette got her mom's information and gave it to the receptionist, then she was led out to another waiting area.

it was now 10:30. yvette was going to lose her mind, seeing as she made it to the office at 8:50 that morning. she saw an electrical outlet and thought about how badly she would rather electricute herself instead of waiting for the dentist to come pull her teeth for $700. at 11:15, the first, nice dental assistant came to get yvette. she immediately took her into a room and began to numb her, in preparation for the dentist's work.

the old, funny dentist came in. he took care of business and was so pleasant. although she suffered pain from the removal of her teeth, the dentist and the dental assistant were so nice to her that she nearly forgot that she spent the morning in hell.

even though yvette is still going through a lot, she learned a valuable lesson- never forget that there is good in every situation. yvette admitted to herself that she often refuses to see the good in horrible situations because sometimes it is easier to wallow in self-pity. yvette understands that she will be stressed, and as a matter of fact, she still is. on the other hand, she understands that things will work out eventually.

as for the healthcare system, it is interesting to note that yvette recently watched a documentary entitled sicko, and is determined to live in another country that provides free or low cost healthcare. today's circumstance proved to be a prime example of worthless insurance companies. yvette looked at this situation with a hope that one day, she will be far from these worries in another country, where none of this actually matters.

the end.

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

thanks to neuroscience, it might work soon.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/mental-health/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100218962&gt1=31036

...would you want to erase a memory from your life?

unmet longings

"What God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. The things 'in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things...are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself.' They are not what we are longing for."

--John Eldredge; Walking With God

farewell facebook.

this weekend i was asked what keeps me from experiencing the freedom i was meant for. i realized that my answer was pain. so i asked God what he wanted me to do about that. he said, "delete your facebook." halfway through my question of "seriously," i was shot down with the quickest "yes!" response ever.

i'll manage. and it will help to not be faced with the person who causes me to grieve every day. i just wanted to clarify to the few of you who actually read this.

silence.

it's almost as if i'm looking in a mirror and i can't recognize myself. things have been different-- not bad and certainly not good, just different. it's not apathy this time; it's more of an attenuation of things that i care less about. the more important things are breaking through, but that makes things harder sometimes. i suddenly have more time for homework that i've been neglecting, i have time to spend with the family, and i suppose there's time for friends, though at the moment i feel quite distant from everyone. it's not them; it's definitely me.

i've been getting in the car and turning on my ipod, but it's almost as if i'm on another planet. my thoughts don't venture into new places; i guess i'm just trying to get through the day, even though i can't remotely picture what the end of my day could look like. i think of my problems (or rather, my one gigantic problem) and i get nostalgic. but not past the point of grief lasting for more than 5 minutes a day. it's more of a thought process. the more i remember, the more i learn about myself and my mistakes.

every thought has begun to silence me, especially thoughts about the wickedness of our hearts and how it plays out with the injustice in the world. i can't explain the way this feels. i almost feel temporarily disabled by a headache that doesn't hurt. i know i'm fine; i'm just confused. why the silence? why do i get in the car, listen to my favorite songs, and feel like a mute person who doesn't have a voice to sing? have i been so effected by my problems that i've driven myself into checkout mode? possibly. and now my apathy kicks in.

maybe i'm actually starting to care about myself? or maybe i've been abducted by aliens!

love is the answer...

chris tomlin sings a beautiful song that says, "love is the answer, love will find a way. when we love one another, it's a brighter day." i can't help but agree with these wonderful lyrics, but what happens when you've been hurt so badly by people who "love" you that your paradigm of love is completely twisted? your view of love becomes something tragic; it can catastrophically ruin your life and the lives of others...

something a friend brought up last night really resonated in my heart. she said, "hurt people hurt people." the clouds began to clear as i realized what this meant for me. then a great sadness hovered when i remembered the abused children i worked with at the royal family kids camp last summer. what about them? will their views and practices of love be completely distorted? it is absolutely heartbreaking.

i am realizing more and more that if we learn to love each other, truly and passionately as Christ loves us, we would drive out this problem. there wouldn't be kids committing suicide or people who cry themselves to sleep. we would all be surrounded by love in such an intense way that our problems would fizzle in the midst of a beautiful day among friends.

i long for that love.

...maybe i'm just a hippie?

yahweh

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes and make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt and make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bonesTake this soul and make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands, don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticize
Take this mouth, give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a
child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own,no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

--U2: Yahweh

put your money up your butt.

i hate the total consumer attitude that everyone has here. you kind of get sucked into it when you get too close. why does everyone need to accumulate so much stuff? to impress everyone else of course. it's competition. it just gets ridiculously out of control. i hate it with a burning passion.

i'm just so bored of being here. i know it's not like this everywhere else in the world. i want to live somewhere where other things matter-- where nobody drives expensive cars or has brand name clothes exploding out of their unused clothes drawers... somewhere where nobody cares about how much money you make because they would be your friends if you were homeless or the richest person on earth.

why accumulate so much crap? what is the point? i just don't understand.

heartache.

she dreams about heaven
remembering hell
as a nightmare she visits
and knows all too well.

a mirror is harder to hold.

You could stay a while longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water, watch the sunset going under
It's not that I’m a stranger to lonely moments
I’ve had my share of those

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I could try to point a finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you’ve got your sharp edges but my wounds are from my own reflection
You’ve got nothing I could ever hold against you
Ive got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don’t go, please don’t leave me alone
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

I met a man who was looking for perfection
Said he’d never met a girl who was good enough
His eyes are getting old like they’d love to love again
Such a lonely man
Such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection taking steps toward me these days
So I hold you that much closer and pray we don’t throw this away
It’s not that I’m a man who couldn’t love you
I know what these arms are for

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone
A mirror’s so much harder to hold
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

Please don’t go please, don’t leave me cold
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

--Jon Foreman; A Mirror is Harder to Hold

metaphor.

there once was a farmer who spent his whole morning piling large stacks of hay in his barn. after he finished, he realized that he had lost his watch in the process. knowing that it would probably never be found among the hay, he didn't even try looking for it.

after he told his son what had happened, his son was determined to find the watch. although his father insisted that it was never to be found, he was absolutely sure that he could find it. so he laid down near the hay stacks and stilled his body until all he could hear was the beat of his own heart. then he waited and became more still. eventually he heard the ticking of the watch, located it, then returned it to his father.

sometimes we need to be so still that we can only hear the beat of our own hearts. then we need to listen even closer to hear God's whisper.

the difference between a wound and a scar.

wound:

• suffering
  
• vulnerability
  
• possible bleeding
  
• you need to clean and cover it to avoid it from festering
• only someone who knows how to fix it should be allowed near it

scar:

• you've lived past the pain
• no longer bleeding
• the vulnerability of the wound has lost its power
  
• its mark lives as a testimony to what you've fought
• the more pain you allowed to fix it while it was a wound, the smaller the scar will be

is it possible to be between a wound and a scar?

death that brought me life; blood that brought me home.

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

Cause You came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

Cause You came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

--Nichole Nordeman; Tremble

why does it seem so easy to forget what i'm living for? as a christian, i found my entire belief system on Jesus' death and resurrection. over the past few weeks, i've been so frustrated with myself because of the fact that i have made the cross so ordinary. i've heard the story about a million times since i was 4 years old, and somehow it constantly just becomes another one of those stories. unfortunately, i often have to remind myself of its gravity.

"And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
THE KING OF GLORY RESCUED ME"
--Steve Fee; Beautiful the Blood

please be honest when you ask yourself this question: how often do i think about the cross?

i can't help but think that if i thought about the cross as much as i should, my life would be radically different. how differently would i value myself if i was able to see why Christ died for me? how much more would i hate sin if i realized that it was my very own sin that put Christ on the cross?

Jesus, when i think about you and your cross, LET ME NOT FORGET TO TREMBLE.

a series of unfortunate events?

He was throwing grain into the ground below, ground below

With dreary circles of his arm, going slow, very slow

His cap pulled down round his ears to

Hide the smile and watery tears

My loving wife is so wonderful

How small seeds gracefully to grow

Into beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sound

Dreary birds parade across the dreary sky, but down below

The woman absentmindedly begins to sow, how she sows

the seeds her husband loved so much,

but he's no longer here with us

But her life is so beautiful

As memories continue to grow

Into beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sound

Beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

Distant though I am

Orange, gold, and green

Firing, flaming, colors surround me

I'm always wondering where you are.

I'm always wondering where you are.

Darling shouldn't I be the one wondering

after all I am the one who is gone

I'm always wondering where you are.

I'm always wondering where you are.

Darling shouldn't I be the one wondering

after all I am the one who is gone

I'm always wondering.

I was just wondering.

I was just wondering.

I'm the one...who is gone

Who is gone

But, there's beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names, and musical sounds

Musical sounds

--Eisley; Memories

last night, i watched "a series of unfortunate events" and was deeply intrigued by the moral of the story. in the movie, three siblings were orphaned and tormented by a crazy, money-seeking relative who makes their lives miserable. throughout the movie, each child had an amazing characteristic that they used selflessly in efforts to help their siblings survive through the madness of their circumstances. at the end of the movie, it was noted that they could easily label their lives as a series of unfortunate events; however, it depends on how you look at the situation. if you looked at it from another perspective, specifically looking at each child's character, they shone through each situation. therefore, their lives could be noted fortunate, despite their circumstances.

interestingly, it was a moral that i needed to hear last night. in a struggle with sin, it is easy for me to dispell my life as unfortunate, stagnant, or even worthless. fortunately, God doesn't see my life that way. he wants me to look past my series of unfortunate events and see the small things that shine through my circumstances. he wants me to look past my failures and my hardships and realize that there is more to the story-- there is a fortune in the making.

i want to live like i did.

So far from me, he stands

A man known as disease
He's shaking all the hands of the people he meets
And now you just don't see me anymore
Well, I've been losing everything
You just don't see me anymore
I'll say goodbye

Since you left, she's a mess
She regrets all the things that she could've said
But we fall asleep, never think about anything
We wake to the sound of a phone as it hits the ground
And now you just don't see me anymore
Well, I've been losing everything
You just don't see me anymore
I'll say goodbye

And, oh at the wake, at the wake
I will turn to see a face
Just a face, just a face
So surrounded by a name
What a name, what a name
And we never want to change
What you gave, what you gave
Never wanna let go

So surround me
I need anything and you're everything
I want to live like I did
Before all this hit
To sleep in your arms
To think we'll never fall apart

You know it's, you know it's such a drag
To live your life for a heart attack
To never get a second chance
To say goodbye
To say goodbye
I'll never get to try
You just don't see me anymore
I've been losing everything
I'll say goodbye

--the format; "at the wake"

hotel rwanda

last night, i finally decided to watch hotel rwanda, which is a film that encapsulates the genocide that took place in rwanda in the 90's. my reaction was not at all what i had expected. after the movie, i prayed for God to come back quickly for the first time in my life. not that i've never wanted him to come back quickly, i guess it's just that i have never been so moved by the inhumanity in the world. noting that, i was upset because there are two sides of the story.

on side one, there were the hutu people who were murdering the tsotsis. as i watched the movie, i couldn't help but think of specific lyrics to "oh my God" by jars of clay:

we all have the chance to murder
we all feel the need for wonder
we still want to be reminded
that the pain is worth the plunder...

...babies underneath their beds
hospitals that cannot treat
all the wounds that money causes
all the comforts of cathedrals
all the cries of thirsty children
this is our inheritance
all the rage of watching mothers
this is our greatest offense

OH MY GOD.

the horrifying fact of the matter is that we are all capable of doing what these people did. this is our humanity; this is our sin. how could we let it get so far?

on side two is the scarier scenario. what on earth could be scarier than murder? apathy. there was a specific scene where the main character, paul, thanked a news reporter for recording the terrible acts of genocide. paul was hopeful because he thought that presenting a recording like that would bring some sort of intervention from other countries. as soon as he said it, the reporter (played by joaquin phoenix) said that there would be no help. he said that people would simply "say how sad it is, then keep eating their dinners".

how is it that we live in a place that could be so blinded by comfort? i feel as though we are lying to ourselves when we bypass news like this. how could we live with knowledge of what's happening in the world and not do anything about it?

i couldn't sleep last night. as i sat in my nice, comfortable bed, i couldn't help but think of why i am here, and not there. i couldn't stop thinking about the little girl across the world who is hiding under her bed because someone is going to rape and murder her. i couldn't stop thinking about the 6 thousand kids who die from water related diseases PER DAY! how do we live with ourselves?

God, until you return and fix this mess, help us to do everything in our power to make a difference in this sick world!

holiness.

thank God for his holiness, because it means that he isn't anything like you and i...

the moon is a magnet

The moon is a magnet

Everyone's at it
Everyone's had it

Love is a sadness
Love is a madness
We are the addicts

What are we if we're not in love?
What are we if we're not in love?

These are the cages
A kiss is contagious
It will betray us all
A kiss will betray us all

Somebody told me
That everybody's a phony
Till somebody's lonely

I hope that you're lonely
I hope that you're lonely only
Waiting to phone me...

--jon foreman

turning the other cheek...

in Matthew 5:39, Jesus says "whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also."

something great about Jesus' teaching is that he teaches acts of randomness in response to evil. have you ever noticed that if you do something totally random when someone does something mean to you, it tends to shock the other person and probably stop them from more violence? however, as much as i love randomness, i can't help but wonder why you wouldn't just walk away from someone who has just slapped you.

think of the actual scenario: someone has just slapped you. instead of responding to them in violence, you simply walk away. there can't be any harm in doing that. why does Jesus call us to stay and turn our cheeks? what is the significance of staying in the situation and doing nothing to defend yourself?

in an amazing book that i'm reading entitled The Irresistible Revolution, Shane Claiborne tackles this verse as well. i've been given some extra insight by reading his words, so i will share them with you:

"Jesus is not suggesting that we masochistically let people step all over us. Instead, Jesus is pointing us toward something that imaginatively disarms others. When hit on the cheek, turn and look the person in the eye. Do not cower and do not punch them back. Make sure they look into your eyes and see your sacred humanity, and it will become increasingly harder for them to hurt you."

he goes on to say even more amazingness:

"...When someone tries to sue you for the coat on your back and drags you before the court, go ahead and take all your clothes off and hand them over, exposing the sickness of their greed. When a soldier asks you to walk a mile with them and carry their pack (as was Roman law and custom), don't throw your fist in the air like the Zealots, just walk with them two miles instead of one, talk with them and woo them into our movement by love."

i guess it makes sense to turn the other cheek if i'm really going to live radically for Jesus. as easy as it is to simply walk away, that is not the way that God has called us to live.

Jesus, i pray that i would strive to turn the other cheek, as hard as it may be. I pray that you would give me the courage to fight back with my love and not with my anger.

"The only thing harder than hatred is love.
The only thing harder than war is peace.
The only thing that takes more work, tears, and sweat than division is reconciliation.
But what more beautiful things could we devote our lives to?"
--Shane Claiborne

love

loving someone has everything to do with the other person and nothing to do with yourself.

FORGIVE.

i got in my car and got on the freeway and i was ready to take my final. doing my usual thought process/prayers that i especially do when i'm nervous, i came upon something unusual. there was a banner over the freeway that said "FORGIVE." i thought it was nice. i thought about what might lead someone to write that specific word on a banner. why was forgiveness on their mind? why wouldn't they just tell the world to love. what was it's significance? then it finally occurred to me. maybe it was God trying to get my attention?

now i know it was.

someday...

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

--superchick, beauty from pain

this ain't my american dream!

When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
As top of the mind becomes the bottom line
When success is equated with excess

If your time ain't been nothing for money
I start to feel really bad for you, honey
Maybe honey, put your money where your mouth's been running
If your time ain't been nothing but money

I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

When success is equated with excess
When we're fighting for the Beamer, the Lexus
As the heart and soul breath in the company goals
Where success is equated with excess

I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

'Cause baby's always talkin' 'bout a ring
And talk has always been the cheapest thing
Is it true would you do what I want you to
If I show up with the right amount of bling?

Like a puppet on a monetary string
Maybe we've been caught singing
Red, white, blue, and green
But that ain't my America,
That ain't my American dream

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

--Switchfoot, "American Dream"

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

today i believe

a friend of mine sent me this prayer and i thought it was extremely relevant to me... maybe it will bless you, reader!

Lord, You have always given
Bread for the coming day;
And though I am poor,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Strength for the coming day;
And though I am weak,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Peace for the coming day;
And though of anxious heart,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
Me safe in trials;
And now, tried as I am,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
The road for the coming day;
And though it may be hidden,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
This darkness of mine;
And though the night is here,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
When time was ripe;
And though you be silent now,
Today I believe.

samson

so yesterday, i was thinking about switchfoot's song "on fire" and i had the urge to look into samson's story when i heard this part of the song:

give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see
give me everything you are
give me one more chance to be near you

when everything inside me
looks like everything i hate
you are the hope i have for change
you are the only chance i'll take

i'm on fire when you're near me
i'm on fire when you speak
i'm on fire burning at these mysteries

standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything i've never been before...

i guess i recalled samson's final plea for God to give him one more chance-- one more burst of might so he could take out the philistines and die with them.

reading the whole story, it was interesting to see where he screwed up. i'd like to say that he's the typical male, but we're all quite aware of my recent cynicism. his downfall was obviously women. on top of that, every time he had a victory, he never acknowledged God.

samson screwed up several times. first, he let his wife in on a riddle and watched her rat out the answer to the philistines; this cost him 30 changes of clothes. secondly, it was noted that he visited a harlot (not delilah), and almost got trapped in the gates of one of the philistine cities. lastly, the one that killed him, he fell for delilah, who managed to get his secret out after several noticeably harmful events. how stupid was he to tell her his secret? did he not realize what he was doing to himself?

he was finally captured by the philistines, and what did they take from him? his eyes. i think it is ironic that they took his eyes; his eyes were responsible for all of his mistakes. on the last day of his life, i could only imagine how miserable he was. he knew he screwed up. he could no longer see. he lost his strength. he lost sight of God.

standing between two pillars, he finally acknowledged God. he begged God to give him one more time around. he begged God to be near him once more. he was standing on the edge of everything he had never been before-- weakness. what did God do? he gave samson one more time around. though samson's eyesight was gone, God gave him one more chance to see. samson pushed the pillars and killed more philistines than he had killed throughout his life. and with them, he died.

i can't help but wonder why God gave him that strength. why would God give him the last thing that he deserves? because this is our God. because we don't get what we deserve.

God, i am standing on the edge of everything i've never been before, and i know that i don't deserve a thing. would you give me one more time around and one more chance to see? when everything inside me looks like everything i hate, you are the hope i have for change; you are the only chance i'll take.

that's all.

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all ... I need You

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

--Nichole Nordeman; Take Me As I Am

frustrations.

the more i think about it, the more frustrated i am. how could things possibly be normal again?

i feel like my soul has been looted for everything it had. it has all been taken away... not only am i having trouble finding my emotions, i'm incapable of falling in love again. my love has been spent on someone who didn't want it.

i know i'm blessed to have what's left, but i wish i could just stop hurting over this. will i ever?

i don't understand how i get dragged into these things. they really SUCK. can't people just understand?

the pain is unbearable, except for those fleeting moments when i forget who i am. can you please help me lose myself in all that You are?

help me lose myself in all You are.

higher mountains have come down...

today is one of those days that can only be expressed by song. fortunately, i heard this one today and it feels like the voice of my soul. it's amazing how a song could do that for you...

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

--Jars of Clay, The Valley Song

stop the world.

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You

I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
I need time-- precious time

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

--Matthew West, Stop the World

all i am is yours?

i'll stand with arms high
and heart abandoned
in awe of the one who gave it all
i'll stand, my soul, lord, to you surrendered
all i am is yours.

tonight at church, todd proctor said something profound. he said that most of the time your heart guides your hands, but sometimes your hands need to guide your heart. this is me allowing my hands to guide my heart. i want to live with an abandoned heart; i want to sincerely mean it when i say that all i am is yours.

reckless abandonment

"this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose"

--Switchfoot; This is Your Life

i don't want to reach the point where i feel like i have something to lose. i really need to be reminded that this isn't the end of the story. God is determined to do something good... i just don't see the good in all this. Spirit, help my disbelief.

how creepy is this!!!

baby born with two faces... aaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24012024/wid/11915773?GT1=31037

why?

i think it's really funny when i find peace in old crystal lewis songs. this one can't be more true of what i'm feeling at the moment...

My thoughts they overwhelm me
My mind cannot contain
The pain that is within me
Why?
I long for understanding
I live to know the peace
that comes from being sure of something
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
Yet I've seen you love and care, so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

My complaint today is bitter
But sweet is your reply
My questioning still lingers though, "why?"
You know each road I travel down
My heart and Yours are one
I just don't see the good in all this
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
yet I've seen you love and care so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

Through suffering and sorrow
Comes peace beyond belief
For our present set of circumstances
Serve only to remind us of the gold we can't yet see

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"

--crystal lewis, "why?"

i can't pretend that i have any idea of what's going on, nor can i pretend that i'm not angry and hurt. however, i can try to understand that it is unexplainable for now. i can try to understand that God knows his plans better than i do...

it's not easy. nobody said it would be.

i'm not happy. but the goal of my life is not happiness.

if i could sing this song and MEAN IT, i might actually be on to something...

an unfortunate collection of souls.

i want to be in a community that...

does not leave me alone when times get hard
actually cares how my day is going
is there to listen when i have a breakdown
challenges me to do something with my life.

why is that so much to ask for these days?

i can't sleep.

do you know how terrifying it is to realize that your only hiding place, your last resort, doesn't offer anymore safety?

i know everything will eventually be okay. but why does it take so long to get there? will i ever have that joy again?

someday i'll fly... someday i'll soar. someday i'll be something much more.

I find it incredibly disturbing that one situation has the power to mold personalities. I wonder if we, in the West, are hypersensitive to these things. Of course, terrible things happen in other countries, but do third world countries crumble under situations that aren't very serious? For example, we are raised in a society that considers you "lame" if you're a kid who doesn't have the latest video game products. Over here, that could be considered something that psychologically ruins someone; it could be something that forever molds a child's personality. It could play out as something like "my parents never loved me enough to buy me the things I wanted as a child" or "we were poor, so we never had the luxury of the rest of society"...

One tiny situation really goes a long way here. I tend to think that more serious things happen in other, less-developed countries, but mostly because the mentalities are so different everywhere else. Maybe I'm just naive. However, in my struggles, I really think it would be easier to cope if I was in a country where my issues became ridiculous compared to theirs. Maybe that explains my current hypersensitivity to all of the problems I've been hearing about in the world.

Anyway, here's something to ponder:

"'Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.' She paused to let Mack think about her statement. 'You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around... Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly.'

There's the rub. He didn't feel particularly loved at the moment.

'Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly... And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.' "

--The Shack

Oh my God.

Has something ever intrigued you so much that for a moment, you forget everything you were worried about? Have you ever been so confused and just stepped into a moment of clarity that was so painstakingly clear that it terrified you? Last night, as I cried out to God about the direction of my life, I listened to this song. Somehow, I went from crying about myself to weeping over the direction the world has taken. Oh, how I wish I could change myself. Oh, how I long to make a difference. Oh my God.

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries


Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Brokenhearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be,
maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent
falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded
that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip,
I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat
all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

--Jars of Clay

mirrors and smoke

i read the lyrics to this jars of clay song a few months ago, but i totally didn't get it. i guess i do now...

I'm feeling older than my years
I'm feeling pain inside my chest
It's love that keeps me silent
It's my silence that you detest
Rivers flow into the oceans
And oceans never fill
I want to kiss your lips, but I know I never will

Love's a hard decision to risk impending choke
But love will keep you wishing
And my heart will keep me broke

I blew flowers, gave you candy to even out the guilt
I sent you greeting cards with messages that I could never write
Rivers flow into the oceans
And oceans never fill
I want to let you know me
But I know I never will

Love's a contradiction
Many mirrors and smoke
Love will keep you wishing
My heart will keep me broke

You will always want me
And I'll always want to leave
Even though I cut your wounds
You still deny they're real
Rivers flow into the ocean
Oceans never fill
I want to lay my life down
But I know you never will

Love's a strange condition
With all the doubts it can invoke
You love keeps me wishing
And my heart keeps me broke

Baby, don't you cry, 'cause I got it all figured out
You always make me sad
But that's what true love is all about
Rivers never fill the oceans
But oceans always feel
The waters reaching deep inside them
I guess they always will

Love's a constant mission to a world you never spoke
Love, it keeps you wishing
My heart, it keeps me broke...

Mirrors and Smoke

just when you think your day can't be more ridiculous...

you spill hot coffee all over yourself in the middle of class and have to rush home and back to school...

what a freaking crazy day! let's just say it's a good thing that i'm laughing now.

bitterness.

harboring bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.

Psalms 42 (The Message)

1 A white-tailed deer drinks from the creek; I want to drink God, deep draughts of God. 2 I'm thirsty for God-alive. I wonder, "Will I ever make it - arrive and drink in God's presence?" 3 I'm on a diet of tears - tears for breakfast, tears for supper. All day long people knock at my door, Pestering, "Where is this God of yours?" 4 These are the things I go over and over, emptying out the pockets of my life. I was always at the head of the worshiping crowd, right out in front, Leading them all, eager to arrive and worship, Shouting praises, singing thanksgiving - celebrating, all of us, God's feast! 5 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God - soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.

6 When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you, From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, including Mount Mizar. 7 Chaos calls to chaos, to the tune of whitewater rapids. Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers crash and crush me. 8 Then God promises to love me all day, sing songs all through the night! My life is God's prayer. 9 Sometimes I ask God, my rock-solid God, "Why did you let me down? Why am I walking around in tears, harassed by enemies?" 10 They're out for the kill, these tormentors with their obscenities, Taunting day after day, "Where is this God of yours?" 11 Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God - soon I'll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He's my God.

brighter days.

Time keeps moving on
Through the sunshine and the storm
And my dreams are set in stone
And someday I’ll be who I want to be
For now I’ll wait
For the sun to shine again
And for now I’ll wait
For the rain to pass away

And I’m looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
I’m looking for the brighter days to come my way

Faces come and faces go
But none seem to look my way
And walls have stood and walls have fallen
But my heart seems to wait
For now I’ll sit at the end of the road
And for now I’ll wait
At the end of the pathway

I’ll see the sun one day shine upon me
I’ll see the sun one day
And watch the nighttime turn to morning
But for now it all comes back around

And I’m looking for the brighter days
When all my hurts seem to fade away
I’m looking for the brighter days to come my way

-- Leeland, Brighter Days

i want a haircut!

yes, it's true. i don't know why i had to blog about it.

i needed a break.

sometimes it's so great to wake up in the morning and KNOW that you should ditch class... then sleep in till noon!