Tuesday, October 14, 2008


it's almost as if i'm looking in a mirror and i can't recognize myself. things have been different-- not bad and certainly not good, just different. it's not apathy this time; it's more of an attenuation of things that i care less about. the more important things are breaking through, but that makes things harder sometimes. i suddenly have more time for homework that i've been neglecting, i have time to spend with the family, and i suppose there's time for friends, though at the moment i feel quite distant from everyone. it's not them; it's definitely me.

i've been getting in the car and turning on my ipod, but it's almost as if i'm on another planet. my thoughts don't venture into new places; i guess i'm just trying to get through the day, even though i can't remotely picture what the end of my day could look like. i think of my problems (or rather, my one gigantic problem) and i get nostalgic. but not past the point of grief lasting for more than 5 minutes a day. it's more of a thought process. the more i remember, the more i learn about myself and my mistakes.

every thought has begun to silence me, especially thoughts about the wickedness of our hearts and how it plays out with the injustice in the world. i can't explain the way this feels. i almost feel temporarily disabled by a headache that doesn't hurt. i know i'm fine; i'm just confused. why the silence? why do i get in the car, listen to my favorite songs, and feel like a mute person who doesn't have a voice to sing? have i been so effected by my problems that i've driven myself into checkout mode? possibly. and now my apathy kicks in.

maybe i'm actually starting to care about myself? or maybe i've been abducted by aliens!


kristina said...

"...I don't like the place I'm in
Headspace within the hardwood and the ceiling

Cause if I'm restless
Then why do I
I want nothing but to rest my soul

And I don't get this and I know why
You see sometimes things are just beyond control

But I don't mind
But I'm not surprised to find that you do
I'm not surprised to find that you do
I know you do

And I feel fine
But I know the same does not apply to you
I know the same does not apply to you
So I guess that I'll curl up and die, too..."

~Curl Up and Die; Relient K

Yvette said...

why look who's back!

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