a mirror is harder to hold.

You could stay a while longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water, watch the sunset going under
It's not that I’m a stranger to lonely moments
I’ve had my share of those

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I could try to point a finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you’ve got your sharp edges but my wounds are from my own reflection
You’ve got nothing I could ever hold against you
Ive got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don’t go, please don’t leave me alone
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

I met a man who was looking for perfection
Said he’d never met a girl who was good enough
His eyes are getting old like they’d love to love again
Such a lonely man
Such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection taking steps toward me these days
So I hold you that much closer and pray we don’t throw this away
It’s not that I’m a man who couldn’t love you
I know what these arms are for

Please don’t go please don’t leave me alone
A mirror’s so much harder to hold
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

Please don’t go please, don’t leave me cold
A mirror’s so much harder to hold

--Jon Foreman; A Mirror is Harder to Hold

metaphor.

there once was a farmer who spent his whole morning piling large stacks of hay in his barn. after he finished, he realized that he had lost his watch in the process. knowing that it would probably never be found among the hay, he didn't even try looking for it.

after he told his son what had happened, his son was determined to find the watch. although his father insisted that it was never to be found, he was absolutely sure that he could find it. so he laid down near the hay stacks and stilled his body until all he could hear was the beat of his own heart. then he waited and became more still. eventually he heard the ticking of the watch, located it, then returned it to his father.

sometimes we need to be so still that we can only hear the beat of our own hearts. then we need to listen even closer to hear God's whisper.

the difference between a wound and a scar.

wound:

• suffering
  
• vulnerability
  
• possible bleeding
  
• you need to clean and cover it to avoid it from festering
• only someone who knows how to fix it should be allowed near it

scar:

• you've lived past the pain
• no longer bleeding
• the vulnerability of the wound has lost its power
  
• its mark lives as a testimony to what you've fought
• the more pain you allowed to fix it while it was a wound, the smaller the scar will be

is it possible to be between a wound and a scar?

death that brought me life; blood that brought me home.

Have I come too casually?
Because it seems to me
There's something I've neglected
How does one approach a Deity with informality
And still protect the Sacred?

Cause You came and chose to wear the skin of all of us
And it's easy to forget You left a throne

And the line gets blurry all the time
Between daily and Divine
And it's hard to know the difference

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not,
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

What a shame to think that I'd appear
Even slightly cavalier
In the matter of salvation
Do I claim this gift You freely gave
As if it were mine to take
With such little hesitation?

Cause You came and stood among the very least of us
And it's easy to forget you left a throne

Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Oh, let me not forget to tremble
Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me not
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

The cradle of the grave could not contain Your Divinity
Neither can I oversimplify this love

Oh, let me not forget to tremble

Face down on the ground do I dare
To take the liberty to stare at you
Oh, let me
Oh, let me not forget to tremble

--Nichole Nordeman; Tremble

why does it seem so easy to forget what i'm living for? as a christian, i found my entire belief system on Jesus' death and resurrection. over the past few weeks, i've been so frustrated with myself because of the fact that i have made the cross so ordinary. i've heard the story about a million times since i was 4 years old, and somehow it constantly just becomes another one of those stories. unfortunately, i often have to remind myself of its gravity.

"And now I sing freedom for all my days
It's only by the power of the cross I'm raised
THE KING OF GLORY RESCUED ME"
--Steve Fee; Beautiful the Blood

please be honest when you ask yourself this question: how often do i think about the cross?

i can't help but think that if i thought about the cross as much as i should, my life would be radically different. how differently would i value myself if i was able to see why Christ died for me? how much more would i hate sin if i realized that it was my very own sin that put Christ on the cross?

Jesus, when i think about you and your cross, LET ME NOT FORGET TO TREMBLE.

a series of unfortunate events?

He was throwing grain into the ground below, ground below

With dreary circles of his arm, going slow, very slow

His cap pulled down round his ears to

Hide the smile and watery tears

My loving wife is so wonderful

How small seeds gracefully to grow

Into beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sound

Dreary birds parade across the dreary sky, but down below

The woman absentmindedly begins to sow, how she sows

the seeds her husband loved so much,

but he's no longer here with us

But her life is so beautiful

As memories continue to grow

Into beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sound

Beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names and musical sounds, and musical sounds

Distant though I am

Orange, gold, and green

Firing, flaming, colors surround me

I'm always wondering where you are.

I'm always wondering where you are.

Darling shouldn't I be the one wondering

after all I am the one who is gone

I'm always wondering where you are.

I'm always wondering where you are.

Darling shouldn't I be the one wondering

after all I am the one who is gone

I'm always wondering.

I was just wondering.

I was just wondering.

I'm the one...who is gone

Who is gone

But, there's beautiful things that spring from these rows

With their musical names, and musical sounds

Musical sounds

--Eisley; Memories

last night, i watched "a series of unfortunate events" and was deeply intrigued by the moral of the story. in the movie, three siblings were orphaned and tormented by a crazy, money-seeking relative who makes their lives miserable. throughout the movie, each child had an amazing characteristic that they used selflessly in efforts to help their siblings survive through the madness of their circumstances. at the end of the movie, it was noted that they could easily label their lives as a series of unfortunate events; however, it depends on how you look at the situation. if you looked at it from another perspective, specifically looking at each child's character, they shone through each situation. therefore, their lives could be noted fortunate, despite their circumstances.

interestingly, it was a moral that i needed to hear last night. in a struggle with sin, it is easy for me to dispell my life as unfortunate, stagnant, or even worthless. fortunately, God doesn't see my life that way. he wants me to look past my series of unfortunate events and see the small things that shine through my circumstances. he wants me to look past my failures and my hardships and realize that there is more to the story-- there is a fortune in the making.

i want to live like i did.

So far from me, he stands

A man known as disease
He's shaking all the hands of the people he meets
And now you just don't see me anymore
Well, I've been losing everything
You just don't see me anymore
I'll say goodbye

Since you left, she's a mess
She regrets all the things that she could've said
But we fall asleep, never think about anything
We wake to the sound of a phone as it hits the ground
And now you just don't see me anymore
Well, I've been losing everything
You just don't see me anymore
I'll say goodbye

And, oh at the wake, at the wake
I will turn to see a face
Just a face, just a face
So surrounded by a name
What a name, what a name
And we never want to change
What you gave, what you gave
Never wanna let go

So surround me
I need anything and you're everything
I want to live like I did
Before all this hit
To sleep in your arms
To think we'll never fall apart

You know it's, you know it's such a drag
To live your life for a heart attack
To never get a second chance
To say goodbye
To say goodbye
I'll never get to try
You just don't see me anymore
I've been losing everything
I'll say goodbye

--the format; "at the wake"

hotel rwanda

last night, i finally decided to watch hotel rwanda, which is a film that encapsulates the genocide that took place in rwanda in the 90's. my reaction was not at all what i had expected. after the movie, i prayed for God to come back quickly for the first time in my life. not that i've never wanted him to come back quickly, i guess it's just that i have never been so moved by the inhumanity in the world. noting that, i was upset because there are two sides of the story.

on side one, there were the hutu people who were murdering the tsotsis. as i watched the movie, i couldn't help but think of specific lyrics to "oh my God" by jars of clay:

we all have the chance to murder
we all feel the need for wonder
we still want to be reminded
that the pain is worth the plunder...

...babies underneath their beds
hospitals that cannot treat
all the wounds that money causes
all the comforts of cathedrals
all the cries of thirsty children
this is our inheritance
all the rage of watching mothers
this is our greatest offense

OH MY GOD.

the horrifying fact of the matter is that we are all capable of doing what these people did. this is our humanity; this is our sin. how could we let it get so far?

on side two is the scarier scenario. what on earth could be scarier than murder? apathy. there was a specific scene where the main character, paul, thanked a news reporter for recording the terrible acts of genocide. paul was hopeful because he thought that presenting a recording like that would bring some sort of intervention from other countries. as soon as he said it, the reporter (played by joaquin phoenix) said that there would be no help. he said that people would simply "say how sad it is, then keep eating their dinners".

how is it that we live in a place that could be so blinded by comfort? i feel as though we are lying to ourselves when we bypass news like this. how could we live with knowledge of what's happening in the world and not do anything about it?

i couldn't sleep last night. as i sat in my nice, comfortable bed, i couldn't help but think of why i am here, and not there. i couldn't stop thinking about the little girl across the world who is hiding under her bed because someone is going to rape and murder her. i couldn't stop thinking about the 6 thousand kids who die from water related diseases PER DAY! how do we live with ourselves?

God, until you return and fix this mess, help us to do everything in our power to make a difference in this sick world!