that's all.

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all ... I need You

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

--Nichole Nordeman; Take Me As I Am

frustrations.

the more i think about it, the more frustrated i am. how could things possibly be normal again?

i feel like my soul has been looted for everything it had. it has all been taken away... not only am i having trouble finding my emotions, i'm incapable of falling in love again. my love has been spent on someone who didn't want it.

i know i'm blessed to have what's left, but i wish i could just stop hurting over this. will i ever?

i don't understand how i get dragged into these things. they really SUCK. can't people just understand?

the pain is unbearable, except for those fleeting moments when i forget who i am. can you please help me lose myself in all that You are?

help me lose myself in all You are.

higher mountains have come down...

today is one of those days that can only be expressed by song. fortunately, i heard this one today and it feels like the voice of my soul. it's amazing how a song could do that for you...

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

--Jars of Clay, The Valley Song

stop the world.

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You

I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
I need time-- precious time

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

--Matthew West, Stop the World

all i am is yours?

i'll stand with arms high
and heart abandoned
in awe of the one who gave it all
i'll stand, my soul, lord, to you surrendered
all i am is yours.

tonight at church, todd proctor said something profound. he said that most of the time your heart guides your hands, but sometimes your hands need to guide your heart. this is me allowing my hands to guide my heart. i want to live with an abandoned heart; i want to sincerely mean it when i say that all i am is yours.

reckless abandonment

"this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose"

--Switchfoot; This is Your Life

i don't want to reach the point where i feel like i have something to lose. i really need to be reminded that this isn't the end of the story. God is determined to do something good... i just don't see the good in all this. Spirit, help my disbelief.

how creepy is this!!!

baby born with two faces... aaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24012024/wid/11915773?GT1=31037

why?

i think it's really funny when i find peace in old crystal lewis songs. this one can't be more true of what i'm feeling at the moment...

My thoughts they overwhelm me
My mind cannot contain
The pain that is within me
Why?
I long for understanding
I live to know the peace
that comes from being sure of something
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
Yet I've seen you love and care, so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

My complaint today is bitter
But sweet is your reply
My questioning still lingers though, "why?"
You know each road I travel down
My heart and Yours are one
I just don't see the good in all this
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
yet I've seen you love and care so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

Through suffering and sorrow
Comes peace beyond belief
For our present set of circumstances
Serve only to remind us of the gold we can't yet see

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"

--crystal lewis, "why?"

i can't pretend that i have any idea of what's going on, nor can i pretend that i'm not angry and hurt. however, i can try to understand that it is unexplainable for now. i can try to understand that God knows his plans better than i do...

it's not easy. nobody said it would be.

i'm not happy. but the goal of my life is not happiness.

if i could sing this song and MEAN IT, i might actually be on to something...

an unfortunate collection of souls.

i want to be in a community that...

does not leave me alone when times get hard
actually cares how my day is going
is there to listen when i have a breakdown
challenges me to do something with my life.

why is that so much to ask for these days?

i can't sleep.

do you know how terrifying it is to realize that your only hiding place, your last resort, doesn't offer anymore safety?

i know everything will eventually be okay. but why does it take so long to get there? will i ever have that joy again?