"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

today i believe

a friend of mine sent me this prayer and i thought it was extremely relevant to me... maybe it will bless you, reader!

Lord, You have always given
Bread for the coming day;
And though I am poor,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Strength for the coming day;
And though I am weak,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Peace for the coming day;
And though of anxious heart,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
Me safe in trials;
And now, tried as I am,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
The road for the coming day;
And though it may be hidden,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
This darkness of mine;
And though the night is here,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
When time was ripe;
And though you be silent now,
Today I believe.

samson

so yesterday, i was thinking about switchfoot's song "on fire" and i had the urge to look into samson's story when i heard this part of the song:

give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see
give me everything you are
give me one more chance to be near you

when everything inside me
looks like everything i hate
you are the hope i have for change
you are the only chance i'll take

i'm on fire when you're near me
i'm on fire when you speak
i'm on fire burning at these mysteries

standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything i've never been before...

i guess i recalled samson's final plea for God to give him one more chance-- one more burst of might so he could take out the philistines and die with them.

reading the whole story, it was interesting to see where he screwed up. i'd like to say that he's the typical male, but we're all quite aware of my recent cynicism. his downfall was obviously women. on top of that, every time he had a victory, he never acknowledged God.

samson screwed up several times. first, he let his wife in on a riddle and watched her rat out the answer to the philistines; this cost him 30 changes of clothes. secondly, it was noted that he visited a harlot (not delilah), and almost got trapped in the gates of one of the philistine cities. lastly, the one that killed him, he fell for delilah, who managed to get his secret out after several noticeably harmful events. how stupid was he to tell her his secret? did he not realize what he was doing to himself?

he was finally captured by the philistines, and what did they take from him? his eyes. i think it is ironic that they took his eyes; his eyes were responsible for all of his mistakes. on the last day of his life, i could only imagine how miserable he was. he knew he screwed up. he could no longer see. he lost his strength. he lost sight of God.

standing between two pillars, he finally acknowledged God. he begged God to give him one more time around. he begged God to be near him once more. he was standing on the edge of everything he had never been before-- weakness. what did God do? he gave samson one more time around. though samson's eyesight was gone, God gave him one more chance to see. samson pushed the pillars and killed more philistines than he had killed throughout his life. and with them, he died.

i can't help but wonder why God gave him that strength. why would God give him the last thing that he deserves? because this is our God. because we don't get what we deserve.

God, i am standing on the edge of everything i've never been before, and i know that i don't deserve a thing. would you give me one more time around and one more chance to see? when everything inside me looks like everything i hate, you are the hope i have for change; you are the only chance i'll take.

that's all.

Oh, for a heart that does not ache
For a backbone that won't break
For some steady feet or sturdy ground
A road that isn't gonna let me turn around and run
For a thousand tongues to sing

To wear wisdom like Solomon's robe
For the patience and perspective of a man like Job
Just to soar on wings of eagles
For no other reason than the bird's eye view
For a flight or two
And the list gets longer
Who I wish I was, and was no longer

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

Oh, to feel hope in hopeless times
Never mind the silver lining cause the clouds are fine
To breathe prayers that move the heavens
Or save hundreds from the flames
To know my place, to know my name
But the gap grows wider
Between who I am and all I aspire to be

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

At the end of myself, at the end of the day
I can find little else but the courage to say I need You
That's all ... I need You

I never could be good enough
To measure up
But You want to take me as I come
You're the only one that can
Take me as I am

--Nichole Nordeman; Take Me As I Am

frustrations.

the more i think about it, the more frustrated i am. how could things possibly be normal again?

i feel like my soul has been looted for everything it had. it has all been taken away... not only am i having trouble finding my emotions, i'm incapable of falling in love again. my love has been spent on someone who didn't want it.

i know i'm blessed to have what's left, but i wish i could just stop hurting over this. will i ever?

i don't understand how i get dragged into these things. they really SUCK. can't people just understand?

the pain is unbearable, except for those fleeting moments when i forget who i am. can you please help me lose myself in all that You are?

help me lose myself in all You are.

higher mountains have come down...

today is one of those days that can only be expressed by song. fortunately, i heard this one today and it feels like the voice of my soul. it's amazing how a song could do that for you...

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

--Jars of Clay, The Valley Song

stop the world.

The TV is talking
The telephone’s ringing
The lights are all on
And the radio’s screaming
A million distractions are stealing my heart from You

I’m tired and empty
This life is relentless
It weakens my knees
And breaks my defenses
It’s wearing me down and I’m desperate to hear from You

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

I need to be still before I make a move
I need to be humble with nothing to prove
I need Your Word to show me the truth
I need time-- precious time

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

Before I can find my voice
I need to hear Your voice
Above all the senseless noise

Stop the world, I wanna get out
I need an escape away from this crowd
Just to hear You speak to me

Stop the world, I’m ready to listen
Show me sign, give me a vision of heaven
I can hold on to
Stop the world, I need some time with You

--Matthew West, Stop the World