all i am is yours?

i'll stand with arms high
and heart abandoned
in awe of the one who gave it all
i'll stand, my soul, lord, to you surrendered
all i am is yours.

tonight at church, todd proctor said something profound. he said that most of the time your heart guides your hands, but sometimes your hands need to guide your heart. this is me allowing my hands to guide my heart. i want to live with an abandoned heart; i want to sincerely mean it when i say that all i am is yours.

reckless abandonment

"this is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger
and you had everything to lose"

--Switchfoot; This is Your Life

i don't want to reach the point where i feel like i have something to lose. i really need to be reminded that this isn't the end of the story. God is determined to do something good... i just don't see the good in all this. Spirit, help my disbelief.

how creepy is this!!!

baby born with two faces... aaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24012024/wid/11915773?GT1=31037

why?

i think it's really funny when i find peace in old crystal lewis songs. this one can't be more true of what i'm feeling at the moment...

My thoughts they overwhelm me
My mind cannot contain
The pain that is within me
Why?
I long for understanding
I live to know the peace
that comes from being sure of something
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
Yet I've seen you love and care, so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

My complaint today is bitter
But sweet is your reply
My questioning still lingers though, "why?"
You know each road I travel down
My heart and Yours are one
I just don't see the good in all this
My eyes are blind to your ways, oh Lord
yet I've seen you love and care so...

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"...

Through suffering and sorrow
Comes peace beyond belief
For our present set of circumstances
Serve only to remind us of the gold we can't yet see

I rest in your knowing
Though I may not know
I take on your strength as though it were my own
Standing on the promises your word for me provides
I find therein the answer
To the question "Why?"

--crystal lewis, "why?"

i can't pretend that i have any idea of what's going on, nor can i pretend that i'm not angry and hurt. however, i can try to understand that it is unexplainable for now. i can try to understand that God knows his plans better than i do...

it's not easy. nobody said it would be.

i'm not happy. but the goal of my life is not happiness.

if i could sing this song and MEAN IT, i might actually be on to something...

an unfortunate collection of souls.

i want to be in a community that...

does not leave me alone when times get hard
actually cares how my day is going
is there to listen when i have a breakdown
challenges me to do something with my life.

why is that so much to ask for these days?

i can't sleep.

do you know how terrifying it is to realize that your only hiding place, your last resort, doesn't offer anymore safety?

i know everything will eventually be okay. but why does it take so long to get there? will i ever have that joy again?

someday i'll fly... someday i'll soar. someday i'll be something much more.

I find it incredibly disturbing that one situation has the power to mold personalities. I wonder if we, in the West, are hypersensitive to these things. Of course, terrible things happen in other countries, but do third world countries crumble under situations that aren't very serious? For example, we are raised in a society that considers you "lame" if you're a kid who doesn't have the latest video game products. Over here, that could be considered something that psychologically ruins someone; it could be something that forever molds a child's personality. It could play out as something like "my parents never loved me enough to buy me the things I wanted as a child" or "we were poor, so we never had the luxury of the rest of society"...

One tiny situation really goes a long way here. I tend to think that more serious things happen in other, less-developed countries, but mostly because the mentalities are so different everywhere else. Maybe I'm just naive. However, in my struggles, I really think it would be easier to cope if I was in a country where my issues became ridiculous compared to theirs. Maybe that explains my current hypersensitivity to all of the problems I've been hearing about in the world.

Anyway, here's something to ponder:

"'Most birds were created to fly. Being grounded for them is a limitation within their ability to fly, not the other way around.' She paused to let Mack think about her statement. 'You, on the other hand, were created to be loved. So for you to live as if you were unloved is a limitation, not the other way around... Living unloved is like clipping a bird's wings and removing its ability to fly.'

There's the rub. He didn't feel particularly loved at the moment.

'Mack, pain has a way of clipping our wings and keeping us from being able to fly... And if left unresolved for very long, you can almost forget that you were ever created to fly in the first place.' "

--The Shack