love

loving someone has everything to do with the other person and nothing to do with yourself.

FORGIVE.

i got in my car and got on the freeway and i was ready to take my final. doing my usual thought process/prayers that i especially do when i'm nervous, i came upon something unusual. there was a banner over the freeway that said "FORGIVE." i thought it was nice. i thought about what might lead someone to write that specific word on a banner. why was forgiveness on their mind? why wouldn't they just tell the world to love. what was it's significance? then it finally occurred to me. maybe it was God trying to get my attention?

now i know it was.

someday...

The lights go out all around me
One last candle to keep out the night
And then the darkness surrounds me
I know i'm alive but i feel like i've died

And all that's left is to accept that it's over
My dreams ran like sand through the fists that i made
I try to keep warm but i just grow colder
I feel like i'm slipping away

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

My whole world is the pain inside me
The best i can do is just get through the day
When life before is only a memory
I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place

And though i can't understand why this happened
I know that i will when i look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

Here i am, at the end of me
Trying to hold to what i can't see
I forgot how to hope
This night's been so long
I cling to Your promise
There will be a dawn

After all this has passed, i still will remain
After i've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today,
Someday i'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain

--superchick, beauty from pain

this ain't my american dream!

When success is equated with excess
The ambition for excess wrecks us
As top of the mind becomes the bottom line
When success is equated with excess

If your time ain't been nothing for money
I start to feel really bad for you, honey
Maybe honey, put your money where your mouth's been running
If your time ain't been nothing but money

I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

When success is equated with excess
When we're fighting for the Beamer, the Lexus
As the heart and soul breath in the company goals
Where success is equated with excess

I want out of this machine
It doesn't feel like freedom

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

'Cause baby's always talkin' 'bout a ring
And talk has always been the cheapest thing
Is it true would you do what I want you to
If I show up with the right amount of bling?

Like a puppet on a monetary string
Maybe we've been caught singing
Red, white, blue, and green
But that ain't my America,
That ain't my American dream

This ain't my American dream
I want to live and die for bigger things
I'm tired of fighting for just me
This ain't my American dream

--Switchfoot, "American Dream"

"Autobiography in Five Short Chapters" by Portia Nelson

I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
but, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
my eyes are open
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

today i believe

a friend of mine sent me this prayer and i thought it was extremely relevant to me... maybe it will bless you, reader!

Lord, You have always given
Bread for the coming day;
And though I am poor,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Strength for the coming day;
And though I am weak,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always given
Peace for the coming day;
And though of anxious heart,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always kept
Me safe in trials;
And now, tried as I am,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always marked
The road for the coming day;
And though it may be hidden,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always lightened
This darkness of mine;
And though the night is here,
Today I believe.

Lord, You have always spoken
When time was ripe;
And though you be silent now,
Today I believe.

samson

so yesterday, i was thinking about switchfoot's song "on fire" and i had the urge to look into samson's story when i heard this part of the song:

give me one more time around
give me one more chance to see
give me everything you are
give me one more chance to be near you

when everything inside me
looks like everything i hate
you are the hope i have for change
you are the only chance i'll take

i'm on fire when you're near me
i'm on fire when you speak
i'm on fire burning at these mysteries

standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of me
standing on the edge of everything i've never been before...

i guess i recalled samson's final plea for God to give him one more chance-- one more burst of might so he could take out the philistines and die with them.

reading the whole story, it was interesting to see where he screwed up. i'd like to say that he's the typical male, but we're all quite aware of my recent cynicism. his downfall was obviously women. on top of that, every time he had a victory, he never acknowledged God.

samson screwed up several times. first, he let his wife in on a riddle and watched her rat out the answer to the philistines; this cost him 30 changes of clothes. secondly, it was noted that he visited a harlot (not delilah), and almost got trapped in the gates of one of the philistine cities. lastly, the one that killed him, he fell for delilah, who managed to get his secret out after several noticeably harmful events. how stupid was he to tell her his secret? did he not realize what he was doing to himself?

he was finally captured by the philistines, and what did they take from him? his eyes. i think it is ironic that they took his eyes; his eyes were responsible for all of his mistakes. on the last day of his life, i could only imagine how miserable he was. he knew he screwed up. he could no longer see. he lost his strength. he lost sight of God.

standing between two pillars, he finally acknowledged God. he begged God to give him one more time around. he begged God to be near him once more. he was standing on the edge of everything he had never been before-- weakness. what did God do? he gave samson one more time around. though samson's eyesight was gone, God gave him one more chance to see. samson pushed the pillars and killed more philistines than he had killed throughout his life. and with them, he died.

i can't help but wonder why God gave him that strength. why would God give him the last thing that he deserves? because this is our God. because we don't get what we deserve.

God, i am standing on the edge of everything i've never been before, and i know that i don't deserve a thing. would you give me one more time around and one more chance to see? when everything inside me looks like everything i hate, you are the hope i have for change; you are the only chance i'll take.