Friday, October 24, 2008

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

thanks to neuroscience, it might work soon.

...would you want to erase a memory from your life?

Monday, October 20, 2008

unmet longings

"What God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. The things 'in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things...are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself.' They are not what we are longing for."

--John Eldredge; Walking With God

Sunday, October 19, 2008

farewell facebook.

this weekend i was asked what keeps me from experiencing the freedom i was meant for. i realized that my answer was pain. so i asked God what he wanted me to do about that. he said, "delete your facebook." halfway through my question of "seriously," i was shot down with the quickest "yes!" response ever.

i'll manage. and it will help to not be faced with the person who causes me to grieve every day. i just wanted to clarify to the few of you who actually read this.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008


it's almost as if i'm looking in a mirror and i can't recognize myself. things have been different-- not bad and certainly not good, just different. it's not apathy this time; it's more of an attenuation of things that i care less about. the more important things are breaking through, but that makes things harder sometimes. i suddenly have more time for homework that i've been neglecting, i have time to spend with the family, and i suppose there's time for friends, though at the moment i feel quite distant from everyone. it's not them; it's definitely me.

i've been getting in the car and turning on my ipod, but it's almost as if i'm on another planet. my thoughts don't venture into new places; i guess i'm just trying to get through the day, even though i can't remotely picture what the end of my day could look like. i think of my problems (or rather, my one gigantic problem) and i get nostalgic. but not past the point of grief lasting for more than 5 minutes a day. it's more of a thought process. the more i remember, the more i learn about myself and my mistakes.

every thought has begun to silence me, especially thoughts about the wickedness of our hearts and how it plays out with the injustice in the world. i can't explain the way this feels. i almost feel temporarily disabled by a headache that doesn't hurt. i know i'm fine; i'm just confused. why the silence? why do i get in the car, listen to my favorite songs, and feel like a mute person who doesn't have a voice to sing? have i been so effected by my problems that i've driven myself into checkout mode? possibly. and now my apathy kicks in.

maybe i'm actually starting to care about myself? or maybe i've been abducted by aliens!

Monday, October 13, 2008

love is the answer...

chris tomlin sings a beautiful song that says, "love is the answer, love will find a way. when we love one another, it's a brighter day." i can't help but agree with these wonderful lyrics, but what happens when you've been hurt so badly by people who "love" you that your paradigm of love is completely twisted? your view of love becomes something tragic; it can catastrophically ruin your life and the lives of others...

something a friend brought up last night really resonated in my heart. she said, "hurt people hurt people." the clouds began to clear as i realized what this meant for me. then a great sadness hovered when i remembered the abused children i worked with at the royal family kids camp last summer. what about them? will their views and practices of love be completely distorted? it is absolutely heartbreaking.

i am realizing more and more that if we learn to love each other, truly and passionately as Christ loves us, we would drive out this problem. there wouldn't be kids committing suicide or people who cry themselves to sleep. we would all be surrounded by love in such an intense way that our problems would fizzle in the midst of a beautiful day among friends.

i long for that love.

...maybe i'm just a hippie?


Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes and make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt and make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bonesTake this soul and make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands, don't make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticize
Take this mouth, give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a
child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I'm waiting for the dawn

The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own,no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

--U2: Yahweh

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